I needed to stop the hurt cycle but that would take apologizing. And frankly I didn’t feel like it. I felt the fractured relationship wasn’t all my fault. I had acted in hurtful ways for sure. But so had she. We both needed to apologize. Yet, that wasn’t happening. So the hurting continued.
Photo by enggul
I was driving down from a weekend in the mountains on a Sunday evening listening to music. The sky glowed with the sunset. Somewhere in the being caught up in my own thoughts about this exploded friendship and being in a tranquil state because of the scenery I began to pray.
I knew I needed to start the healing and I remembered how many times God has forgiven me when I hurt him. I thought about how God has blessed me with a good marriage, a great family and so many friends. My life is full of love.
I don’t know what hurts this friend may carry inside. I don’t need to know.
But I knew I needed to extend that offer of friendship again.
I thought, “And if the apologies and healing are not reciprocal that’s ok too. It would be nice but not essential. I’m loved so much I need to extend that love and stop this hurting.”
That gave me the courage and strength a couple of days later to make the phone call and offer my apology.
The hostility seems to have stopped. I don’t know if the friendship will ever truly heal. But peace has come and that’s important.
John writes, “We love because he first loved us.” (I John 4:19)
We truly love not to receive but because we have already received.
When we’ve been hurt and a friendship explodes we first want justice not healing. Yet that vengeance, when it continues, stops our hearts from healing.
What once was lovely has become ugly. We hurt the other person because we’ve been hurt. And when we think about apologizing we respond, “But he started it. He’s hurt me more. Let him apologize first.”
And you know, we have every right to feel that way. But healing and peace won’t come.
Yet to think about apologizing, when we’re hurting, is almost impossible. How can we?
This is when I remember how many mistakes I’ve made that God has forgiven me for. This is when I remember all the love he has filled me with even when I didn’t deserve a tenth of it. The love I receive from my wife, my family, my friends and God himself.
Then I realize I can give some grace as well.
And even with the hurt still painful, it sets me free to love again.
It sets me free to offer friendship even if that love is not reciprocated.
It begins healing in my heart because I’m no longer a slave to the hurt.
And it helps me find peace.
Does that always heal the relationship? I wish it did. But there can be many reasons why that healing never comes.
But it does start the healing in our hearts. And that’s enough for now.
What about when there is just too much damage to even talk? We’ll discuss that next.
When have you felt led to offer the first apology in a broken relationship? What gave you the courage to do that? You can share it in the comments below.
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